the obligatory new year post

i have a love-hate relationship with the concept of "new year's". on one hand, i'm all for investing in the time and effort to better yourself - whether that is in regards to health or relationships or career. i love the concept of a fresh start; a reset button if you will. but let's be honest. isn't that a TON of pressure? there's no room for grace or mistakes in a lot of peoples' new year's resolutions. the all-or-nothing attitude sets the majority of us up for failure.  

so yeah, not really a huge fan of new year's resolutions... let's be real - i will not become a gluten-free vegan once that clock strikes 12:01. my house will not become clean and magically organized. hard as i try, i will still be an imperfect wife and mother tomorrow...and the next day....and the next. 

but i'll play the resolution game for a bit because i found this cute print on pinterest.....

A bad habit I'm going to break: comparing myself to others & worrying  more about what my body looks like rather than being ridiculously grateful for what it is capable of. 

A new skill I'd like to learn: crow pose in yoga....that has been eluding me for years. grrrrrrr. 

A person I hope to be more like: Kelle Hampton....JUST KIDDING. this is a tough one. you know who I want to be more like? ME. I want to be more authentic to myself. so there. 

A good deed I'm going to do: For my dad's birthday this year, I'm going to complete 64 random acts of kindness (in honor of his 64th bday). I'll also be recruiting everyone I know to do at least one intentionally kind thing that day. Yeah, so March 5th....start thinking of what you are going to do :)

A place I'd like to visit: ??? um, they are opening a new brew pub literally 5 min. from our house? does that count? 

A book I'd like to read: finish "Happier at Home" & the Bible 

 

A letter I'm going to write: I bought a journal to write little letters to Harper whenever the mood strikes. It will be a cool gift for some milestone (16, 18, leaving for college?) but yeah....I've had it for months and written in it once. whoops. 

A new food I'd like to try: no clue on this one

I'm going to do better at: being less of a stress ball and loving my family more.  

well that was fun.

in all seriousness, here are my goals for 2014: 

take better care of myself and love more. 

that's all folks. 

simple as that. 

i'm excited to see how the extra care and love will enhance my life and my relationships. it will take different forms as the year progresses, i'm sure. and that's okay. life's a journey, not a destination ya'll. 

 

so here's to a wonderful year ahead, praying for love and joy - the rest is just details. 

Here's some "PINspiration" I've stumbled across as of late that I am making my 2014 manifeso :)

xoxo,

K

BOO!

I'm not gonna lie, even something like a candy-filled, costume-wearing, pumpkin-flavored holiday like Halloween is hard this year. As soon as the fake headstones and ghosts started showing up in our neighbors' yards and the grim reaper, "RIP" and blood-stained novelties popped up on the shelves at HEB, I could feel my stomach churn. Truth be told, we've had enough death and fear that even the plastic, spray painted decorations of something as silly as Halloween made me stiffen.

I don't know why I'm surprised...I am sensitive to the silliest things. I'm scared of songs that come on the overhead speaker at Whole Foods and their ability to make me cry in an instant. I'm not even joking ~ John Denver was playing the other day and I almost LOST it right there by the bright and friendly produce.  A mustache coffee mug creates a lump in my throat. A Dora the Explorer fishing rod that Harper would have loved to use when fishing with Dad??  Dammit, Academy!

It may be completely crazy to feel this way, but I do....or I did anyway. It's easy to be skittish and sensitive right now. And I'm not going to apologize for it. But, I also don't want to stay this way. I can't ignore Holidays and I can't avoid grocery shopping. I can be sad without stopping completely and missing out on life. I want to be strong and happy again; especially for H. So, I've embraced this stupid, insensitive totally fun holiday for her. And you know what? I am SO grateful I have this spunky little toddler to push me to focus on the positive. Without her, I think it would be so easy to just sink into sadness. Instead, we've celebrated. We went to not one....not two....but FOUR Halloween Carnivals. We carved pumpkins and visited a hay maze. We put up decorations and wore costumes. And finally, my heart doesn't ache at the sight of a coffin or headstone. There's more to Halloween than what I was focusing on at the beginning of the month. Exposure Therapy at it's finest.

So now here we are at the end of the month and I'm not so freaked out anymore. In fact, I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow night...to go trick-or-treating with Harper, to smile at the little ghosts and gobblins as they run past and to share a special day with her. 

we can do hard things.

From my Instagram Post:
"Yesterday marked 6 months since we lost Dad & Heaven gained an angel with Asics running shoes and a relaxed, steady pace. I was home so I ran his favorite loop. It's nothing special, just cracked sidewalks & weeds on busy streets, but that route saw his daily runs for 30 years. Every runner knows how important your trusty old loop can be - it's where you find yourself happy, sad, strong, sick, scared & celebratory....and everything in between. I can only imagine how many thoughts and prayers my Dad had on those "insignificant" sidewalks. It was a good place to be."



I wish I had some great tribute to share to "celebrate" 6 months but I don't. It feels like a punch in the gut every.time I think about it and that's the honest truth. I miss him still so much that I can't breathe sometimes.  But I'm learning.

I've learned that I'm stronger than I ever thought I was. Losing Dad is by FAR the hardest thing I've ever done, but before that, the past two years seemed to bring us our fair share of "hard things". Look, I know that I am blessed beyond measure and that there are people out there who are stronger than I will ever be and who fight harder battles than I will ever fight. But if I'm honest with myself, I've faced most of my greatest fears head on....the possibility of losing a child, surgery, the possibility of losing my mother, caring for a toddler with a broken rib (ok, this was never a great fear of mine, but damn that was hard!). And that gives me hope that I AM strong and I WILL get through this too.

Dad was one of my greatest cheerleaders. And even as a 32 year old wife and mother with a wonderful life, I miss that. I miss the way he encouraged me. He believed in me, he was proud of me, and he saw my potential in so many things even before I saw it myself. I know he's found a way to plant this seed of hope and strength in my heart to get through this too. Don't get me wrong, I miss him terribly and I would give anything to have not learned this lesson of strength in this way. If I had a choice, I'd be weak and have him HERE. But life doesn't give us a choice in the matter and Dad always saw the bigger picture. He saw how this world was just a temporary stopping place and his faith allowed him to not even really "be of this world" anyway. We were just lucky to get to borrow him from Heaven as long as we did :)

                                        

The mustache smile

I wish the whole world could have known my Dad. He was not always a saint, don't get me wrong. But he was so full of love and had the most interesting perspectives to share. Before I dive straight into blogging again (mostly about Dad for a while, I'm sure...), I'd like to share the eulogy my sister wrote for Dad's funeral. These words are so full of his spirit and they capture his personality and his heart so perfectly. I could not describe and honor him anywhere near as accurately or as beautifully as Sara did in these words. If you knew my Dad and did not hear this eulogy, I hope you will remember him fondly as you read. If you did not know my Dad, I hope this gives you a glimpse of the man that he was: 

My name is Sara, and I am Manuel Vara's younger daughter; as he liked to say "his diminutive one." 

It's strange to think that my dad has been around for my entire life, but I've only been around for a third of his. And even the third that I knew was already so full, so rich, I can't even imagine what it would be like to live that three times over! So, in giving a eulogy for him I don't know if I'm quite up to the task. I definitely can't tell you his whole life story. I can't even paint you a full picture of the third I've been around for! 
To try to do justice for a man like my dad in just a few precious minutes Is a crazy idea. And, I know that every person in this room today would give a fortune to spend those few minutes talking with HIM again, instead of listening to some cliff notes about his recent endeavors.

So...let me try to bring you a little bit of the man that I knew and loved, instead. And a little bit of what I think he would say to us if HE was the one up here instead of me...

First, he would give us all that pinched, sliiightly condescending, half-teasing smile that makes his mustache poke out funny. He would tell us that we're being silly feeling sad today, and He would start making his point by asking a simple but deep question : "Why do you think that my passing away is a sad thing?" And of course, we all know where he's going with this: as he so often did, he is going to give us a better way to think of things. 

Buying into it, and trusting him to guide the conversation, we answer him
"I'm sad for you. I wish you could live longer and enjoy more life. Fish more, hold your grandkids, blare Neil Diamond, run, hike, camp..."

Again with the mustache smile.

He would dismiss you, like he would any time you worried about him; he didn't like to waste time on himself, he would rather spend it on others. But he’s right, he’s already lived quite a full life, I mean really LIVED, and lived loud. He sang loud, laughed loud, cheered loud, sneezed loud.... My sister was on the swim team as a kid, and she said she could always hear him cheering for her over the rest of the crowd- yes even from under the water.

He was still young, but he was the definition of well-seasoned. Have no doubt, he had his fill of good times. I can't tell you how often I've heard Dad tell the story about how he and his good friend Tom Curlin would take nothing but cheese and wine on a boat and fish in silence for days, and have the time of their lives doing it. 

Or that time when he was bike riding with the Durkin twins, and he shouted “Duck!” because there was a tree branch overhead, and Ryan popped up and said “Where?!” just in time to get smacked in the face. I can still hear Dad laughing so hard over that one that he’d get himself coughing and tearing up.

He and my mom backpacked at Big Bend. He did Indian Princess camping with us girls. He ran faithfully, and shared many a run with my sister Kerith. He cherished his peek-a-boo time with Harper, and had even started teaching Aiden how to fish. 

He loved many little things in life: His “Large Hot One” from cafe calypso, his well-worn bible, his big blue college ring, the History channel. He looooved his Christmas carols, his oldies music, and the bedtime songs that are now a staple of both grandkids’ evenings. He was born to be a grandpa - he always loved babies, & they loved him. 

"Okay, " he would say, "so if it's not for me, then why are you sad today?"

“Well, think of all the people you’ve touched and cared for. I’m sad for the people who won’t ever get to be cared for by you.”

See, my dad had a talent for finding anyone who felt insignificant for any reason in every situation, big or small, and making them feel like a king.

Well, about this time, I imagine, he would hunker down for a long conversation by inviting you to join him outside while he did some “inhalation therapy.” He would find something to prop one foot up on, and he would look far off at something we can’t see. 

What I would give to know what was going on in his head at these times.

My dad and I used to play this game we called "Wonders." It started out with easy questions when I was young and got harder as I got older. 
"I wonder... what you did today at school, my girl" 
"I wonder... who invented chess"
"I wonder... how God imagined the entire universe in only seven days"
“I wonder... If we love Jesus so much, why do we eat Him at Communion?”

I remember one particularly life-changing round, in my teens that started out "I wonder why we bother with relationships when they always end in hurt"

His answer has shaped my life since, and is so telling of who he was.

“Relationships,” he said, “are not about how we feel. They’re about getting to know God. We are made in God’s image, so that by getting to know each other, we are getting to know Him. So in every relationship, you should try to give others the best impression of God possible - always be as patient, kind, loving, forgiving, and selfless as you want them to know that God is. When we fail, and it hurts, that’s just a reminder that we are only “Christ-like,” not God Himself.

Yes, the people he’s impacted. Now I see why he did it. 

And with that in mind, I know what he would say. “My girl, I try to help other people so that I can bring them to God. Now I get to work even closer with God than ever - It’s about time I got a promotion!”

“Okay,” he says, “now we’re getting somewhere. If there’s no reason to be sad for me, and no reason to be sad for others, then what’s the real issue here?”

And we will get down to the honesty of it, as we always do with my dad. We will have to say: "I love you so much; I rely on you; I’m going to miss you. How will I make it without you?"

And in his, deep, comforting voice, "Do you really think that I would leave you alone?"

And we know, in our hearts, that no, he wouldn't. That he won't. 

This is the man who ran into burning buildings to save complete strangers; the man who hunkered down and stayed through hurricanes so that he could be in place to be a first responder after the storm; the man who could turn any cup of coffee into a counseling session that would change your life; the man who spent his Sundays bringing communion to people’s homes when they couldn’t make it to Mass; this is the man who gave my cat CPR so that i didn't have to suffer the loss of a pet. This is not a man who will ever leave us alone. 

We may need to get used to talking with him and seeing him differently, but he is undoubtedly still here with us, and still helping us.

Even in his passing away, he left us a message of comfort: You see, my dad passed away in his white robes while he was serving at Saturday evening Mass. He had a heart attack at the foot of the altar in the presence of his Savior. The Lord came and found my dad serving faithfully at the foot of the altar, so he gathered him up and brought him to the Kingdom where he can serve much closer and more joyfully at the throne of his master. He left his body, with the congregation offering him up in prayer and the priest blessing him in the middle of this most sacred worship service, with his wife at his side.


He passed away still wearing his white robes, on the day that the second reading had just told us that the men in white robes are the ones that had succeeded and would serve Christ day and night in a place where they will no longer hunger or thirst, or feel heat. And where The Lord Himself can lead them to springs of living water and will wipe away every tear from their faces. 

I envy those who get to see his face right now: as he learns the answer to every wonder; understands all the nesses of life; hugs his mom and dad; falls down at the very throne of his Lord; and sees the beauty of the plans laid out for all our lives.

I can only imagine how beautiful his face must look right now, full of that kind of joy.

grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

I can't believe it's been over 10 months since I last posted. It's bittersweet to read my words of gratitude and happiness. Things have changed, friends. Oh, how they've changed. And while it's so hard to be happy right now I'm really trying. And the gratitude? Well I am still SO grateful. More than ever before.

I wasn't sure if I'd want to write in this blog anymore....for lots of reasons. Mostly, what's there to say?

My Dad is gone. I miss him. SO much. I am sad. I am full of regret. I am angry. I miss him. SO much.

See? Fun blog huh?!

But there's more to be shared too. I really want to share the hope and grace I've received through my faith during this really tough time. I want to share happy memories and ways I have been so inspired by my Dad's life to be a better person. I want to share that there are days when I want to crawl under the covers and just dissolve into a puddle of tears but that there are also days of comfort and peace. I've learned that joy and pain co-exist in our lives in a way that I never thought possible. It's incredible.

Perhaps this will be helpful for my own healing and my own struggle to process all of this. But more than the selfish reasons, I want to post because perhaps this could be helpful for someone to read....I hope I can inspire someone to keep their eyes fixed on God during a tough time. I hope I can share that this process of grief is so hard and maddening sometimes but that it is a passage; it is not a place to stay. I read a quote the other day (thanks Pinterest) that said "Grief is not a sign of weakness or lack of faith....it is the price of love". I am blessed to have known and loved a great man. I am so sad because I loved him so much. (see? there's that joy and pain co-existing that I was talking about).

I feel like a completely different person than the girl who wrote the previous posts in this blog. I even considered starting a new blog because I feel so....changed. But I am still me and my Dad used to love to read my lighthearted posts here. He would check daily to see if I posted something new. And as soon as I did post some stupid rambling, he'd be the first to tell me how much he enjoyed reading it. So I'd like to stay here....for him.....do they have Blogger in heaven?

So here's the first step....posting a quick note to re-commit to the blogging thing. Please keep in mind I am a sleep-deprived mother of a wonderfully bright and wonderfully exhausting toddler. I will post as often as I can but I can't promise complete sentences or correct grammar all of the time.

I hope you'll join me in this journey of grace.

thankful. grateful. happy.

I could have sworn I've talked (written) about this post before but maybe not....

disclaimer:I know I quote and refer to Kelle Hampton a lot. probably WAY more than I should but here's the thing: she inspires me. She's a wonderful writer and expresses things in a way that I never could. Do I always agree with her? nope. But most of the time, especially when it comes to mother-daughter stuff? dang, she's good.

One of my favorite posts of hers is about gratitude and teaching her daughters about being thankful....not just in the month of November but year-round.

Click HERE to read the whole post. 

.........

Did you do it? Seriously, it will take a few minutes and you'll feel all warm and fuzzy. I promise.

..........

Ok,  if you haven't read it yet, your loss. Here's what she says that really resonates with me:

"What does it mean to be thankful though? If it were as easy as asking my child to scribble some words on a thank-you card, I'd stock up on stationery and tuck "grateful child" under my belt of parenting successes. Gratitude is abstract--a more difficult word to define to a child than a simple noun that accompanies a colorful picture on a flash card.

But it's important, perhaps one of the most valuable attributes you can teach your child because it has a symbiotic relationship with another emotion we all hope our children will experience...happiness."

 right? anyway, this post was on my mind and I wanted to document it as I was reflecting on all things November-ish.

.....on to December!

letters to Harper - month 10

well, hello miss serious!

there's the 2-toothed grin I adore!

Well, little darlin', I'm finally getting around to typing this in January (better late than never, right?) because we have been so busy. But busy is GOOD (for the most part). The holidays zoomed by, like I knew they would, but you better believe I tried to fill these past two months with as much as I possibly could. What a special, special time. And the cool thing is, we get to celebrate many more holidays in the future. This year, I shared MY favorite things with you but in just a few years, you will be picking YOUR favorite things....favorite cartoons, favorite cookies, favorite Christmas carols....and I cannot wait.

We did so much this month and I wish I had more pictures but frankly, I was too busy having fun with you!

{The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown}

Holiday shopping at the outlet mall with Gus

Friends-giving with the girls

 Just like I say every month, you are growing and learning things so quickly. You pull up on EVERYTHING and cruise along the furniture to practice walking. We are also working on eating finger foods. Your favorites are cut up apples and bananas with cinnamon.

 You are also learning and understanding words more and more. You "clap" and "kiss" when we ask you to, it is adorable every.single.time :)

 On Thanksgiving, you had a bit of a cold :((((( but we made the best of it and joined the family at Uncle Eddie's first, then went over to Mia & Poppy's to enjoy all the delicious food and visit with everybody. It was a great day.

"Thankful" doesn't seem to cut it this year. We are just bursting with gratitude for your health and happiness and the amazing little person you are becoming.

xoxo, Mama