BOO!

I'm not gonna lie, even something like a candy-filled, costume-wearing, pumpkin-flavored holiday like Halloween is hard this year. As soon as the fake headstones and ghosts started showing up in our neighbors' yards and the grim reaper, "RIP" and blood-stained novelties popped up on the shelves at HEB, I could feel my stomach churn. Truth be told, we've had enough death and fear that even the plastic, spray painted decorations of something as silly as Halloween made me stiffen.

I don't know why I'm surprised...I am sensitive to the silliest things. I'm scared of songs that come on the overhead speaker at Whole Foods and their ability to make me cry in an instant. I'm not even joking ~ John Denver was playing the other day and I almost LOST it right there by the bright and friendly produce.  A mustache coffee mug creates a lump in my throat. A Dora the Explorer fishing rod that Harper would have loved to use when fishing with Dad??  Dammit, Academy!

It may be completely crazy to feel this way, but I do....or I did anyway. It's easy to be skittish and sensitive right now. And I'm not going to apologize for it. But, I also don't want to stay this way. I can't ignore Holidays and I can't avoid grocery shopping. I can be sad without stopping completely and missing out on life. I want to be strong and happy again; especially for H. So, I've embraced this stupid, insensitive totally fun holiday for her. And you know what? I am SO grateful I have this spunky little toddler to push me to focus on the positive. Without her, I think it would be so easy to just sink into sadness. Instead, we've celebrated. We went to not one....not two....but FOUR Halloween Carnivals. We carved pumpkins and visited a hay maze. We put up decorations and wore costumes. And finally, my heart doesn't ache at the sight of a coffin or headstone. There's more to Halloween than what I was focusing on at the beginning of the month. Exposure Therapy at it's finest.

So now here we are at the end of the month and I'm not so freaked out anymore. In fact, I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow night...to go trick-or-treating with Harper, to smile at the little ghosts and gobblins as they run past and to share a special day with her.